


I can’t feel anything

by Sunasimp420



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29474856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunasimp420/pseuds/Sunasimp420
Summary: “It’s so cold! I cant feel anything” bokuto let out a breathy laugh, trying to keep himself warm. “You’re the one that suggested to play in the snow bokuto-San”Akaashi never knew that what he said that day would become literal.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 12





	I can’t feel anything

**Author's Note:**

> This will be in akaashi’s POV ^ I apologise if the writing is bad :(

“It’s so cold! I cant feel anything” bokuto let out a breathy laugh, trying to keep himself warm. “You’re the one that suggested to play in the snow bokuto-San” I was extremely irritated. I hated the cold but I was willing to do it for him. To see him smile again. I can tell he’s been really distant and stressed lately but I didn’t want to press him for more information. I looked up to see why he wasn’t answering me with his usual smart comments. I saw his smile slowly drop to a frown as he spaced out. I didn’t want him to become sad on our date so I snapped him out of it. “Hey, what’s on your mind?” I wasn’t great at comforting people but I tried for him. “Nothing, Keiji I’m fine” I knew his fake smiles from his real ones. I could see right through him. “You look cold let’s go in yeah?” He suggested. I agreed. 

Once we got inside he asked me to make tea and suggested we watch a movie. “So are you going to explain what’s got you so stressed lately?” I asked him from the kitchen as I made him his favourite tea, Earl grey- he loved that it tasted naturally citrusy. “Agaashi its nothing i already told you!” He said in an upbeat voice as he looked for a movie. I sighed and cautiously walked in, careful as to not spill anything on his mother’s carpet, she already dislikes me I don’t want to anger her more. I decided not to ask him anything else about his feeling. I set down the tea and sat beside him. He looked so concentrated. Cute. “I can feel you staring you know” he smirked. I looked away smiling “so what movie are we watching?”. “The fault in our stars maybe?” He suggested. “Isn’t that a bit soppy? This is supposed to be a happy date y’know” I teased. “I just thought it was relatable with...y’know” his statement made me uneasy for some reason. “What do you mean?” I was confused. “Nothing! Y’know since it’s about teenagers in love” he teased, smirking and playfully nudging me. I just rolled my eyes at him yet I still felt uneasy. I tried to brush it off. 

____________

“Hey do you wanna order food?” The movie had just ended and I was getting a bit hungry. “Hmm...yeah sure. My mom won’t be home for a while and you know I burn everything I cook” he laughed trying to lighten the mood. I smiled at him as I ordered our food. We decided on his favourite, yakiniku. “Keiji?...” the use of my first name caught me off guard and I gave him a confused look. “What is it bokuto-san?” He looked scared and upset. “I can cancel the order if you changed your mind?” I reached out to wipe away the tear racing down his face.

“No no it’s not that” he laughed “I need to tell you something important” his voice cracked and the end was almost a whisper. “Of course you can tell me anything” I smiled at him to reassure him. “My mom took me to the doctor the other day...” he looked down as if trying to conjure his words. “Is everything ok? Do you need to sit out from the team for a while?” I tried to help him say what he needed to. “Maybe I don’t know...they said I’m developing a disorder from stress” he sighed collecting his thoughts. “Conversion disorder...I could be paralysed or blind soon they don’t know which will go first...” at that moment I froze. Kotaro was only 18 and this was all happening so fast. “They said it can only last up to a few days or weeks so I should be ok right?” The sad, fake smile he gave me nearly crushed me. I could see the worry and anxiety in his eyes. I knew that he most likely was misdiagnosed and it could lead to him actually having a tumour or a vascular disease however I didn’t want to worry him. “Of course Kotaro, everything will be ok” I felt tears stream down my face. I didn’t want to lose him like this. 

He hugged me suddenly, I could feel how shaky his breath was. He was terrified. “I don’t want to leave you. What if they keep me in the hospital you’ll come with me right?” He pulled away and cupped my face. “You know how much I hate hospitals” I laughed at the fact that the only thing he could think of right now was his burning hatred for hospitals. “Of course I’ll come with you. I’ll never leave your side.” I took his large hands in mine, to reassure him. 

____________

It had been a few days since our date and Bokuto asked me to go to his first hospital appointment with him. It was a checkup to see how his condition was. How I saw it, it was to see how long he had until his inevitable death. It made me sick. We walked into the hospital, his hand in mine, squeezing it like a child as if to say “I don’t want to be here please don’t make me go”. At this point, Bokuto started to become wobbly on his feet but it was nothing major yet, he just needed assistance. I felt terrible because I couldn’t always be there to catch him. I zoned out while the doctor was speaking to Bokuto. Something about how to deal with slowly or quickly becoming paralysed. Bokuto squeezed my hand and I snapped out of it. “It may be scary when you finally realise but it’s just apart of it, it will go away in a few months” I knew he was wrong. “If you would like we could hospitalise you early to assess everything easier and help you through the scary parts” the doctor smiled at Bokuto as if he was talking to a child. I saw panic quickly set into Kotaro’s face. “Could you uhm..give us a minute to talk about it” I squeezed Bokuto’s hand as the doctor nodded and left the room for a moment. 

“Kotaro...” I began. “Akaashi please don’t let them. I don’t want to be stuck here so soon I’m not even that bad see?!” He got up from the uncomfortable seat but fell just as quickly. I could sense his panic and fear. “Kotaro” I said as I picked him up “maybe it’s for the best. You know your mother and I aren’t always here to help you if you fall. What if you hurt yourself and nobody’s home to help? I’ll never forgive myself” I gave him a sympathetic look. “I know you don’t like it here but if it means you can recover then don’t you think it’s for the best?” I searched his eyes for any source of emotion in an attempt to read what he was thinking. “Yeah...I guess. But! That means you have to come see me everyday! Even if that means skipping practice ok?” I laughed a small bit “of course, bokuto-san”. The doctor knocked, asking if we were finished. I got up and opened the door, signifying we were ready.“So? Your decision?” The doctor asked Bokuto. “I’ll do it. I’ll stay at the hospital sooner than later.” He sighed. “That’s great. We’ll have a room set up for you then.” The doctor smiled. I can feel his hand squeezing mine again. I hope he made the right decision. 

____________

A few days later, Bokuto was laying in his own hospital bed. He had his own private room with a beautiful view of the city. I kept my word and visited him everyday, sometimes even letting Kuroo, Kenma or even hinata tag along. Everytime they came around, Bokuto’s tired eyes would light up with joy. I loved seeing him like that. His condition hadn’t gotten any better although it didn’t worsen much. He couldn’t feel his legs or walk, though he still had feeling in the rest of his body. It was only a matter of time before that wasn’t true anymore. God, how I regret that day. I sat on the hospital chair beside his bed watching him and Kuroo play fight. I didn’t bother listening to what they were fighting about, I just watched at how bright and full of life Bokuto looked, even though he was sick. 

“You really love him, don’t you?” Kenma suddenly spoke from beside me, not daring to taking his eyes away from his switch. “Is it really that obvious?” I joked. “Yeah. I see the way you stare at him” I sighed at Kenma’s statement. “Do you understand it? How he can be so happy when his condition could worsen or he could die?” I continued to stare at the owl like boy as I awaited kenma’s response. “That’s just the way he is, Akaashi. He wants to be positive so nobody has to feel the pain he’s going through right now, especially you.” I was surprised “what do you mean?” Tearing my eyes away from Bokuto I looked to Kenma. “He knows you’re worrying for him. That’s the last thing he wants right now. He wants you to be happy and in the off chance he does die, he doesn’t want you to be upset about it or go into a deep depression” I just stared at Kenma for a minute. “And he told you all of this?” “Yeah” my heart hurt knowing he felt that way. “So he knows then? That he’s most likely been misdiagnosed?” I hoped Kenma would say no. 

“He does. He doesn’t know you know though. He told me that he doesn’t want you to anticipate his death.” “I see” I averted my gaze back to the two that were goofing around on Bokutos bed. I would miss this. His smile that could light up any room and the fact that he would always be cautious of my feelings. I zoned out watching them and thinking about how to deal with what is yet to come. I must’ve been zoned out a while because when I was finally snapped out of it, Kuroo and Kenma were getting ready to leave. We quickly said goodbye and they left. “You ok?” I asked him, making sure that wasn't overwhelming for him. “Of course I’m fine. Are you staying the night?” I would often stay nights in his hospital bed. I agreed to this night. My head was all messed up and I needed comfort right now. I climbed into the bed, quickly cuddling Bokuto. “I love you, y’know?” He said as he stroked my head “I know. And I love you too” I looked up at him, smiling and slowly drifted off to sleep. 

____________

I woke up forgetting I was with him. Turning off my alarm I saw he was still asleep. I quickly checked to see if he was still breathing. I let out a sigh of relief, he was ok. I nudged him, trying to wake him up to tell him that I was leaving for school. Why wasn’t he waking up? He’s not a heavy sleeper he should’ve woke up from that. I pinched his arm knowing well he would’ve woken up from that. Nothing. I started to call his name hoping that would work. It did. He woke up, smiling, happy to see me I assume. Although his smile quickly faded when he realised he couldn’t move. His happy expression was replaced with panic. “Akaashi...I-I cant feel anything. Akaashi why cant I feel anything?” He started to panic and I saw tears were already forming in his eyes. “I’m going to call the nurses ok?” I said, wiping away his tears and rubbing his shoulder, trying to reassure him. “I’ll never get to feel your touch again...” he choked “I cant feel your hand on my shoulder anymore...” I could feel myself starting to cry. No, he cant be getting this bad so quickly. “I’ll be back ok” I smiled weakly as I called for the nurse. I was sobbing uncontrollably at this point. 

I stood back and watched as the nurses assessed him. I called Kenma, not knowing who else to call right now. He picked up right away. “Kenma it’s bokuto, he’s completely paralysed now...” I choked back my tears trying to speak. “No that can’t be he was just fine yesterday?!” This was the first time I had heard Kenma sound so panicked. “Do you want me to go to the hospital right now?!” Kenma said, I could hear rustling in the background. “I-I don’t know. They’re assessing him right now maybe you could come later when he’s not surrounded by nurses” I tried to lighten the mood but it just came out as a sad joke because of my faint sobs I couldn’t keep back. Kenma was understanding and hung up after giving me positive affirmations. 

The nurses were finished and left. I quickly went to Bokutos side. “Akaashi...” my heart broke at his sad tone. “Everything’s going to be fine I promise ok?” I hugged him expecting a hug back but when I realised I’ll never feel his arms around me again I sobbed harder. “I wish I could hug you back but y’know...” he laughed lightly. “They said my conditions getting worse. It’s not what they thought it was...” I was scared, terrified. I retracted from the hug and sat down at his side. “I know, Kotaro” I cupped his cheek, this was the only way I could comfort him at this moment. “Don’t worry tho Agaashi! I’m one of the top aces I’ll be just fine” he had a smug look on his face but behind his eyes I could tell he was in pain and knew he was lying to himself. “Yes Kotaro,” I laughed at his childish behaviour “you’re going to be just fine” I attempted to give him a sincere smile but it just came across as a sad one. 

____________

I had spent the night there again. After the news about Bokuto’s condition, I tried to spend as many nights there as possible. His condition only worsened. Now he could barely talk, was becoming weak from his lack of appetite and had lost his sight. I turned off my alarm and woke him up. “Akaashi?” “Yes it’s me Bokuto-san. I need to go to school ok?” His beautiful golden eyes attempted to look for me in what I assume was darkness to him. I patted his hair in an attempt to comfort him. That was one of the only places he could feel right now. “I wish I could see you. I wish I could see your beautiful face again. I’m starting to forget what you look like” he joked. I laughed and gave him a kiss on his head. “I’ll see you later ok? I love you” I grabbed my bags and headed for the door “I love you” his voice was raspy. I don’t know if it was from just waking up or he was getting worse. 

The nurses asked me how he was this morning and I informed them about his current state. I asked them to try and get him to eat today. He hadn’t eaten in over 3 days and I was getting worried. School without him was extremely boring. He was my only real friend there. During lunch I ate alone and talked to Kenma over the phone. 

When I got back to the hospital, Bokuto was asleep. I put my bags down and decide to lay down beside him. I started to read. I was currently reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Well, rereading it I guess. It was my favourite book and Bokuto had gotten me this copy for my birthday. I felt Bokuto staring at me. “Hey” he said weakly. “Hi, how are you feeling today?” I stroked his hair. “Fine. I...I missed y-you” I could hear him stumbling over words. He’s getting worse. “I missed you too Kotaro” I smiled. “What..are y-you reading?” He asked, barely able to speak. I could see him getting frustrated. “How’d you know I was reading?” I laughed. “Y...you’re alwa- always reading” his laugh was weak, but a laugh nonetheless “To Kill A Mockingbird. You got me this one for my birthday. Do you want me to read to you?” His eyes lit up and he tried to nod his head. I took that as a yes and began where I left off, turning on my side to face him. “I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.” I continued reading to him, occasionally looking up to see his expression and reactions throughout the story. 

____________

Once again I stayed another night. I woke up turning off my alarm. Carrying on with the same routine, I went to wake Bokuto up. However, this time was different. His skin was cold and he wasn’t waking up. “No...no Kotaro c’mon stop playing around now” I could feel tears streaming down my face. “Bokuto come on this isn’t funny..” I started aggressively sobbing at this point. I put my head on his chest. “Please...I can't lose you now. Please Kotaro stay with me” I knew he was already long gone but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t call the nurses for a while. I wanted time alone with him, I wanted to lay with him before they took him away. I draped his limp arm around me in a desperate attempt to feel his touch again but it was no use. The nurses eventually came and he was taken away. 

I called Kenma to inform him about his death. “Will you be at the funeral?” I asked. “Do you want us to be there? I don’t want to go if you just want his family and you.” Kenma said. “Can you come? Please? I need you there I don’t have anyone else...” “of course Keiji” I was glad I had them there but Kuroo and Kenma couldn’t replace him no matter how much I wanted them to. The funeral was small and quiet. Only his mom, sisters, Kuroo, Kenma and I turned up. Some of the team turned up but not all. Not all of them knew yet. “How are you feeling Keiji?” Kuroo said in a sympathetic voice. I know he meant well but wasn’t it obvious? I had just lost my lover how do I feel? I decided to answer him truthfully. I looked up at him, tears in my eyes “I-....I can’t feel anything”


End file.
